Romans 8:28

This morning on my way into work I was flipping through the channels and came across a sermon of the church we used to attend. My mom had told me a day earlier they were talking about adoption so I thought it may have been a series and decided to listen to the message. The preacher was talking about how we have sin in the world and because of that is why certain things go wrong in our life. At the time of these situations, we don't "understand" or "get it" but once it is all said and done we know exactly why it happened.

In the message it talked about a man having a heart attack and a close friend asked if he liked his heart attack, if he would have another, if he would recommend it to a friend. After every question the man so "NO, absolutely not". Then another series of questions were asked. After your heart attack how has your relationship with your wife changed, have you become closer, do you have a new sense of life, do you hold your granddaughter tighter every time you hold her? He soon realized this heart attack was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

At the end of the message he gave a bible verse (Romans 8:28) And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. This message is exactly what I needed to hear to get me through these struggles.

In the last few week we have been down on ourselves wondering "why" this is happening to us. "Why" did it take so long to find the right country? "Why are we hitting all the bumps in the road?. "Why are financially unable to adopt a child? "Why" does it feel like everyone is telling us to give up on our dream? Now I feel even worse for doubting God's plan for us. If we stop doubting Him, keep praying, don't give up, and have faith...we will get through this and our second love will come home to us.

Frustrating, Discouraging, Depressing News

So things have started running a bit smoother for us since we have switched social workers (even though we have yet to meet with her). We have been in contact with the program coordinator at least a couple times during the week and she has helped us on what is to happen next. A few days ago we got an email from the agency stating that our old social worker "misplaced" some of our documents and we need to have them redone. It's nothing major, but it's just the point that she can't do anything right. The documents missing are one of our reference letters and our special needs checklist. Thank goodness the letter was able to be resent and we have been working on our checklist...hopefully for the last time. Once all of the documents are submitted our homestudy will finally be sent our way...that is after we send them $7900.

So after clearing up that mess, Justin thought it was time to officially apply for the adoption loan. He has spoke with the bank on several occasions since starting the new adoption and they went over what requirements had to be meet and the loan terms. He said everything looked good and to go ahead and apply. This adoption loan is a five year loan that you pay at least an interest payment each month. The loan has to be paid in full at the end of five years so you have to make additional payments throughout the loan or more each month. The way it is suppose to be is that you pay the interest each month and then give them your tax return each year...at least your adoption tax credit amount. This worked out perfectly for us. If we continued to get back as much as we have for the past three years the loan payment would be paid off in time. Perfect, we are well on our way to our baby...right?

So yesterday Justin prints off the official application. There weren't many questions on the application and the loan officer acted like everyone gets approved. Yay for us! After filling out the form, Justin sends over our application and calls to make sure the information came across clearly. He said everything looked fine and he would give him a call later on in the day. A few hours later, Justin recieved a call back from there office saying that we had been denied. Justin said that feeling was just like the day when the doctor told him he was infertile. He couldn't breath and had no idea how to break the news to me. He wanted to wait until he got home from work, but I had called him shortly after the news and I could tell something was wrong. I just kind of froze...I couldn't move. So much has been going on lately that I couldn't even cry...no more tears to shed. I can litterally see a baby's picture a few feet in front of me and can almost touch them but instead someone is beating me down with a baseball bat and the pain is unbearable. How can this be happening to us again? How does something that feels so right, seem so far awaay?

We don't even know what to do at this point. Do we still apply for the grants and pray that we get one? Will it even matter...where will the rest of the funds come from? Do we drop out once again and let our dreams of having another child come crashing down? I just don't get it...what have we done to deserve this?